When I was younger, much younger, all I really wanted out of life was to be a wife, mother, and teacher. I wanted the house with the white picket fence. I wanted love, companionship, affection, support, laughter, passion, and so on and so on. You get the picture.
I really was never very good at the relationship thing. I never could seem to pick the right guys to go out with. I remember my friends listening to me and being my "psychiatrists." Boy Crazy was what they called me. Don't get me wrong, I like the boys. But what I really wanted was the love and romance. I wanted somebody to love me. I'm not sure where the insecurity came from. My family loved me and supported me. It's just part of who I am.
I don't want to over analyze any of the major relationships in my life. I've since made peace with the relationships and the men involved. Now I pick their brains from time to time for further insight into my life. Funny how things work out, isn't it?
Anyways, so I got married and thought I had it all. Hindsight is everything, of course, and now I can see that I may have overlooked a few things. But most people do, don't they? I was part of a couple that most people thought was too good to be true. You know the gooey sweet couples that you don't really know what to do with. But then we had children. And I seriously love each and every one of my children, but everyone knows that relationships change once the children arrive.
I thought we would be a team raising our children together. Instead I became an employee. Or at least I felt like one. I was slightly depressed, completely sleep deprived, and totally exhausted. And I didn't know what to do. No one likes to admit their faults and shortcomings, so who could I talk to? If you ask the father of my children, he'll tell you he did everything he could for me. I, on the other hand, felt alone and unlistened to. I read books and went to parenting meetings, but whenever I wanted to talk to the guy I was supposedly sharing my life with, I was put off. After awhile I just got more depressed. But I figured it would work itself out eventually. You know, once the children were older. It was probably the wrong choice to make, but who always makes the right choices?
So, then the true hell began. I found out that I had made my husband miserable and angry. I was holding him back, I was neglecting our children, I wasn't a good housekeeper or wife, I wasn't what he wanted anymore. I don't want to bore anyone with the details, but let's just say, I've been beaten down more than most. And I'm not trying to brag or anything. But honestly, I don't know anybody that's been put down more than me. I've learned how to tell everybody about all of my faults. Really! Just ask me. I'm very open about it. I have to know what I do wrong or I'm delusional. And delusional parents aren't a very good example to their children.
Now, divorce is on the horizon. Much later than I ever anticipated, but it is coming. I promise. I made a promise to myself. I need a better life for me! And if that's selfish, I apologize. But how can I become a better person when I can't even think about myself in a positive way. I don't think God wants us to beat ourselves up about our mistakes over and over again. The Bible is full of stories about forgiveness. Right?
So, anyway, my question to whoever responds to this post is this: Why do I want to keep looking for love? Why do I need romance, affection, passion, human kindness and touch? I keep looking and it keeps escaping me. Will I ever find it? And what if I do find someone else and they treat me the same way? Will I be able to see it in time? Or will I make the same mistakes again? I don't know if I would survive this all again?
OK, I wanted to say some more, but my sons are here by my side, holding onto me and wanting my attention. Nicholas is saying, "Blah, blah, blah." And Isaac is saying I need to help him with his video game. Maybe this is the love that I need.....
